Bleh.

I feel like all the blogs I'm writing lately are crap. Usually, my mantra of William Stafford's advice to keep my standards low and just keep writing works. But I read other peoples' blogs, and realize that for me to write something that is not only cathartic to me, but potentially meaningful to anyone else, I need more time.  

Writing my Résumé

I've felt a little hindered lately in what I post here. I just removed a downright angry post from over a year ago, and I find myself wanting to blog, but feeling a bit imaginatively constipated (with a few exceptions).

For one, my life is "frittered away by detail" right now. Simplify? There is not much to be done unless I start preparing frozen dinners. Get help? I have some help, but life is full of the types of details most of the world would envy: Too much grading (because I am employed), trips to the bank (to pay the landscapers), dental appointments (because we have insurance), job search (because my spouse's new company is becoming successful and it's time to move there), attending to my children (because they are bright, curious, energetic, imaginative, intense and industrious--and they love me), cleaning the house (because it is so cozy and cute when we keep it tidy, and also free of stink) and tending to the doggie (because we are lucky to have Rox. She's just, as G would say, Haa-Hooooo.)

For another reason, every time I go to write anything online lately, I find myself thinking: "if a potential employer reads this, would it increase or decrease my chances of being hired?" And even though I don't share everything on my blog, the thought that, in effect, I am always writing my résumé stunts me. Ugh.

Having recently lived through our district's "professional boundaries" training where I learned that there is a lot of grey area but a word of warning about what we post online publicly, even though I do not believe there is anything on my blog that I regret putting there, and even though we were led to believe that the grey area is there so that we don't all become rulebound automatons, the grey area also leaves us vulnerable to painful trials should someone in the community feel uncomfortable with something I've posted. I really begin to ponder whether teachers who value their careers can truly exercise freedom of expression outside the classroom. Like politicians, or like back in the days of the small-town school, the teacher's public activities now become, to a certain extent, circumscribed by the school community.

What about art and poetry-- things adults create that might not be created to distribute amongst their students? We may not see any negative repercussions ever, but are we really free to express ourselves? Everything can become widely public in the fake click of a smartphone camera. In reality, our students are actually more free than we are to express themselves and critique the system. I hear them doing it as soon as they walk out the door of my classroom.

Perhaps these reflections don't illuminate anything, and managing a public identity is what any professional adult might face. These are just initial thoughts on the matter, anyhow. At the heart of the issue is that I need to do more writing that is just for me and my own growth and satisfaction. I do that often, but I must admit that for me, part of the satisfaction is knowing that someone somewhere read it or might read it, and that's where the head games begin.

A Sad TEST-imony

My classroom was used for the AIMS math test yesterday, and this was sketched on one of the desks:

The Handout Ghetto

I told my writing class that I wanted to write a hip hop song and they laughed at me.  So I wrote one.

My most recent Stories from School post is about an issue that may appear to be petty-- the lack of funds to provide any kind of color in my handouts to kids.

The overall issue of how to make info. available to students and venues for having students interact with content and skills is much larger than colored paper or a color printer, but my main point is that the materials and resources available to most of us have a hard time competing with the media and color kids encounter outside of the classroom.  Which messages will win the war for the minds of humanity?

http://www.storiesfromschoolaz.org/2013/04/can-a-girl-get-some-color.html#comments

Thanks for reading (or rapping).

Untitled Poem

you filled my hands weightlessly

baby lettuces after misty rain

soft leaves flickering

cool flames against my palms

my fingers

a light cage catching

your moth wings

I peeked, hesitant

here is the church

here is the steeple

open the doors

Wrote this today... a bit raw, but a nice nugget.  Probably fictional, if I could quite figure out what I'm saying, but I haven't really gotten that far.  The sounds, sensations and the image of delicate spring lettuce leaves, and then gentle hands, carried me.